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Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin]

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Leighton
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Age : 22
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PostSubject: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Mon 18 Jun 2012, 6:22 am



Kimura, Miu, The Hand of Retribution.

THE INFO.

Name: Kimura, Miu
Nickname: The Hand of Retribution
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Appearance:
Spoiler:
 
Forehead Protector: The white clothed, Konohagakure Forehead Protector is attached to a much large red cloth that serves as a skirt. In turn, Miu's forehead pritector serves to hold the skirt in place, as it is like a belt. However, when not serving the interest of Konoha, it can be found in it's predicted spot around her forehead.
Personality:
Spoiler:
 
Clan: -
Nindō: "Fear one who has nothing to lose...."

THE NINJA.

Origin: Konohagakure no Sato, The Fire Country
Affiliation: Konohagakure no Sato, The Hokage
Rank: Genin
Specialties: Fuuinjutsu and Eijutsu
Elemental Affinities: Doton and Suiton
Combat Style: To put it straight out there, Miu is never one to favour combat against those who use Ninjutsu. Her arsenal is very limited in it's usage. but also unforeseen. She must remain unpredictable whilst in combat and rely on her teammates to deal out a majority of the damage. She is much like a support-type character. If she must be engaged within hand-to-hand combat she typically wields a kunai to amplify her damage output. Despite her limitations, she is not above being crafty and clever. She isn't afraid to utilise any poisons she may have on hand and, often isn't afraid to recieve a hit.
Special Characteristics:
Spoiler:
 
THE BACKGROUND.

History:
Spoiler:
 
Roleplay Sample:
Spoiler:
 

THE ARSENAL.

Fuuinjutsu
Spoiler:
 

Eijutsu
Spoiler:
 

Academy Jutsu
Spoiler:
 

Items and Weapons
Spoiler:
 
FACE CLAIM.

Character Claim: N/a
Source: N/a
Image URL: N/a


Last edited by Aquarius on Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:28 pm; edited 14 times in total
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Kite
Kumo Nin
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Age : 27
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Mon 18 Jun 2012, 10:44 pm

So then, where to begin, where to begin...I guess we can start with the very basics.

-You didn't specify your rank. "Nukenin" is not a rank, it is a classification of what type of ninja you are. It is like a konoha shinobi putting down "Konoha-nin". You need to put a letter rank as a Nukenin. So unless you have been cleared for a rank higher than C rank you will need to put "C Rank Nukenin".

-You list your origin as Konohagakure no Sato. Origin is the location of your birth, meaning the country your ninja was born within. If you were born in Konoha then you need to put down the Fire Country as your birth place.

-I couldn't help but notice you haven't selected any elements. While it is possible to start with no elemental masteries it is highly recommended that you pick two at creation. While you do not use Ninjutsu at this point, at higher ranks you will be allowed to, if you so choose, to choose from a limited pool of jutsu. Having an element in this case would be beneficial to you but not exactly necessary.

Now for the harder stuff!

First of all, I'd really like to see a bit more work put into her appearance. This isn't to say that you didn't do a decent job but it feels rushed and you were kind of brief in your description of your character; taking most of the paragraph to describe her cloths. I would like to know about your character's face. So far she seems to only have big eyes. Does she have a big mouth? A pointy nose? Does she have lines under her big eyes? Smile lines? Scars? Also as for her clothing, does she have any other accessories besides her hat? Try to see if you can get another paragraph in there.

Next, I would like you to really look over this application again for grammar issues. I managed to find 10 grammar issues ranging from simple spelling mistakes, to pronoun misuse (your character is a girl but you use the word "his" in your personality"), to words being scrambled in a way that reads awkwardly, to you switching randomly from third person to first person in the same paragraph, and from first person to third person within another paragraph.

Next let's deal with your arsenal. It would be very helpful if you could arrange your jutsu by categories. Having your academy jutsu under one section (preferably with a spoiler tag so it can be expanded and condensed) would help significantly. This goes with any other jutsu you have. So separate your fuuinjutsu from your medical jutsu, again by the use of spoiler tags so they can be easily collapsed and expanded.

Also, regarding your arsenal, you can have up to 15 jutsu in your arsenal. These 15 jutsu do not include the academy jutsu that all C rank ninja start with. From what I can see you only have 4 jutsu currently selected, meaning you have 11 slots left. It is highly recommended you fill these due to the fact that after this point you will need to accumulate and spend EXP to acquire more jutsu.

Finally just a personal recommendation,

While I realize you are going for a particular style in your history, the fact remains that it is rather convoluted and hard to read, being littered with a bunch of seemingly unnecessary sentences here and there. I don't know if this is to imply that your character is a bit erratic or if you were trying to be humorous. You don't need to change your history, aside from checking it for grammar errors, but as it stands now I personally found it difficult to read with all the unnecessary tidbits thrown in. I also find it odd that from her history it does seem that she has developed a bit of a cynical nature but in her personality there is no mention of her being erratic (other than the mention that she hates stability) nor being cynical. This could just be me failing to grasp some sort of humor in your writing but I just felt it needed to be pointed out.

Fix these things and I'll be happy to look at it again. Thanks.

-Kite

EDIT:

Also, I forgot to mention about your items. As a genin you are kinda required to take the genin kit listed here . You are welcome to try and ask an admin for permission to carry something other than this but I'd recommend carrying the kit as then you have access to kunai and other weapons. Currently you'd be walking around with no projectiles if you went with your current loadout.
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Leighton
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 4:34 am

I'm sorry about these errors, but I haven't done this in a very long time. So please do try and comprehend the idea of doing this during an exam week as I really wanted to get this down. And honestly, the personality she is given is an adaptation of one that would mirror my own. So that when I write, it really isn't a mirror of how I'd think, but supposedly quite similar. If I come off as a cynical person, then I guess I'll have to edit that into her personality.

As for the appearance, I'll work on it when I can. As I am quite inexperienced in the art of describing people I find I'd rather be vague, (the same goes for my personality and history), because it lessens the concern I have to place onto it.

As for the jutsu, there's nothing else I can fill in without making custom Fuuinjutsu or Medical Ninjutsu, or requesting people who have made previous customs if I may perhaps use them.

I have no way in an option to use Ninjutsu. It's not something I'd consider using with this setup. And I say sorry again, as I couldn't remember if it was D or C for my rank. And the whole Origin thing was a mistake.

And just a personal note about my writing, I'm going to write like I did in my history. I had much excitement in it's creation. Anyway, when I get the chance I'll start revising and editting.



EDIT: Should I remove the other equipment I put there, or leave it? And with the history, I think I was aiming for narrative. Not sure if that provides any help in understanding my writing but, oh well. I feel like I wwas being rude while tping this. I'm so sorry if I was!
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Kite
Kumo Nin
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 5:50 am

-Don't worry about sounding rude, you didn't. I can sympathize with you being in exams and I only ask that you look this over again, maybe copy paste it into a word program and run a spell check over it. Most of the mistakes were simple spelling mistakes.

-I would ask that you read through it slowly though once or twice. If you do I'm sure you'll notice silly grammatical errors like the pronoun misuse.

-Currently as a C rank you will not be using Ninjutsu but as you get to higher ranks Ninjutsu does become available to you, albeit the power of such techniques are rather low. Still, you will get access to Ninjutsu when you rank up so I highly advise you to select two elements. If you insist on not having any though just say the word and I will stop pestering you about it. It's ultimately up to you, I am just trying to help.

-It is also worth mentioning that when you are at a level where you can use C rank ninjutsu you will also have the ability to summon creatures. Summons have the elements of their users in most cases so without elements your summons would be seriously ad a disadvantage.

-As for appearance I would say just try to possibly add in things like her height, maybe a ball park range of her weight. You could go into her facial structure. Does she have high cheek bones, low cheekbones, deep set eyes? I believe I gave you plenty of things you could add into your appearance section to give it a bit more flare. I know it can be annoying but we like to have a rather fleshed out character in terms of personality and appearance here. You have a fleshed out personality for the most part but your appearance is lacking. I'm just asking for another paragraph. I know you can do it as you do seem like a skilled writer. Pretty please? :3

-As for your jutsu, while it isn't required for you to have 15 I was just merely suggesting it as not having full set would put you at a disadvantage. Remember, this is the only time you are being given free jutsu. The rest will cost you EXP. Just consider it. If it isn't that important to you that is completely fine and I will leave it alone, just like the element issue.

-As for your style of writing, the way you did your history. I can understand and respect that. I won't bug you about the style if that is the way you like to write. I only ask you read it again because at various parts your narrative switches from third person to first person in mid paragraph very suddenly and it happens again at another portion. Usually when you pick a perspective when you write you want to stick with that perspective throughout the piece or at least throughout the paragraph, otherwise it becomes very confusing for the reader.

-As for equipment, remove the scrolls and stick a genin kit in there. I gave you the link in my previous post. Doing so will actually give your character some scrolls and some basic tools. The only thing you'd be missing from your current item selection is the medium sized scroll.

-I thank you for looking at my post and taking the time to write a response and work on the profile. If you need any assistance please don't hesitate to ask ^_^

-Kite
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Leighton
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 5:57 am

As I type this it occurs it's time wated instead of revision, but;

- I have no Word Programs. Just Notepad.

- I'm good with what I have.

- I guess I could try for another paragraph. Time to get naughty.

- I'm good with what I have.

- Unfortunately, I am very fickle. This may seem like a complete issue to have someone consistently writing like that, but my english teachers says I write in free verse I believe. I blame me reading so much Ellen Hopkins in so little time then all that writing. If me being such a fickle person gets confusing for people, I can switch out to a slower pace and go from there. This may be something we sit here and debate.

- Done soon.


EDIT: It's occured to me that I'm typing while in the dark. Stupid me, of course I'm going to have errors! In turn I will select an element, but doubt I'll use it at all.
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Kite
Kumo Nin
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Age : 27
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 8:03 am

-If you don't have word then I suggest you go online and google up a spell checking tool. There are many free ones you can access via google. Copy and paste your work into the spell check tool and make the corrections.

-Alright, as long as you both understand and are okay with it I will leave your element issue alone. Glad to hear you are selecting one at least. You are free to train another at any time.

-I appreciate you making the effort with your appearance. Thank you ^^

-Same as above. As long as you both understand and are okay with having less than 15 jutsu of your own then I'll leave it alone.

-As for your writing style. I am doing my best to be understanding and while I won't personally hold you back if you insist on keeping it, I would prefer if you kept it all in one perspective, or at least waited until you finished a paragraph before switching from first to third and vice versa.


-If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to ask. Thank you for your effort.

-Kite
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Enzo
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Tue 19 Jun 2012, 4:56 pm

Friendly reminder that you must RP in Third Person on this site, simply to maintain consistency. It is after all not YOU who is fighting, but rather the character you are controlling. For it to be first person it would be more autobiographical than anything, and obviously this is not the case with a supernatural RP forum. Feel free to re-read the Guidelines in the US Laws:

http://www.ultimateshinobi.org/t3099-ultimate-shinobi-s-law#32319
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Leighton
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Wed 20 Jun 2012, 5:34 am

I think all I need to do is rewrite the history.

EDIT; Editted <3 ~~
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Kite
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Age : 27
Posts : 1209

PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Wed 20 Jun 2012, 10:54 am

Alright just looked over your app once more and I can say that I am pleased with the changes you made. The number of errors has been reduced significantly to a point that I am not having an issue with letting this through. I only ask you do two more things and you'll get my approval.

-In your history for the first part you have inserted several line breaks at arbitrary locations, often times after one or two sentences. Get rid of these line breaks, make it a paragraph or two like you did with the later part of your history. You shouldn't need to rewrite anything, you just need to go back and eliminate some of the spacing so it doesn't look so choppy.

-In your arsenal, you inserted spoilers for your jutsu, which I appreciate, but you neglected to label the spoilers meaning that I still have to search through the different spoilers to see what jutsu I'm looking at. Basically what I'm asking is that instead of simply typing "spoiler" in the bracket I want you to type "spoiler=Fuuinjutsu" so that the spoilers have titles over the appropriate sections or you can simply insert a bolded title over the appropriate spoiler box just so we have an idea of what jutsu are where. This makes it much easier for us staff members to go in and edit your jutsu when you start purchasing jutsu and such.

Do these two things for me and you'll be good to go. I really am appreciative of the work you did and I look forward to seeing you RP.

Also note:

Before you had a picture and now I am seeing you don't. If you do decide to put up a pic then you need to fill out that face claim section below. It is preferable that you have a picture for your character but not at all necessary. It is up to you. But if you do decide to have one then you need to fill out the face claim.
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Leighton
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Thu 21 Jun 2012, 12:50 am

I apolidgize for the sentence structure. My notepad was screwing around somehow. I'll get it fixed and label the spoilers. I made the description without an image so I'll go imageless for now.

EDIT: Done.
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Kite
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Thu 21 Jun 2012, 1:42 am

Alright, everything looks good to me. Thank you for your work! You get my approval.

Approved
1/2
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Cookie Monster
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 12:08 pm


One last thing before you gain my second approval, with the recent update with Applications, we've included a slot for Forehead Protectors since members seem to forget about them. Simply add [.b]Foreheard Protector:[/b] within your application and have it in between Appearance and Personality please. All you need to state is where you have it place on your body, even Nukenin are required to do this. It should look something like this...

Code:
[b]Appearance:[/b]
[b]Forehead Protector:[/b]
[b]Personality:[/b]

________________


.:Senju, Morijin:.
[340 | 340] Hokage [240 | 240]
.:Celene = Whale Buddy For Life:.
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Leighton
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:28 pm

Revised.
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Cookie Monster
Swaglord
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Fri 22 Jun 2012, 5:38 pm


Thanks for making the edit.
Be sure to make an account topic to ensure you gain your colour and rank.

Character Approved.
2/2

________________


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[340 | 340] Hokage [240 | 240]
.:Celene = Whale Buddy For Life:.
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PostSubject: Re: Kimura, Miu [Konoha Genin] Sun 16 Dec 2012, 1:43 pm


Archived.

________________


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[340 | 340] Hokage [240 | 240]
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